just stuff

There is alot going on and yet nothing worth writing here.

I mean, my second daughter is now less that two months from graduating. She is the one who’s anxiety manifests in stomach problems. She’s had lots of stomach problems lately. She applied to and was accepted by an institute of higher learning…across the river from us. It’s a good thing. Except for one thing. Out of state tuition.

Does she understand out of state tuition? I have no clue. She qualified for a scholarship to decrease the tuition and instead of paying 350% of the regular tuition, it’s now only 150%. A significant amount of money. However, she has decided she doesn’t want to study what she originally told them she wants to study. And the scholarship does not apply to her changes. She is bummed. And very pissed off at her mommy for making it clear that she needs to choose between a few alternatives she is not the least bit interested in.

She called me the other day from school with another option. She wants to withdraw from her chosen institute of higher learning and attend the local community college for a year. After that she thinks she will transfer to a different, in state, institute of higher learning. That will have her much further from home than just across the river.

It’s a wise, adult choice for her to make. It makes me sad to think of her so far from home though. This woman-child is trying my last nerve on a daily basis now. I have annoyed her by telling her it is a developmentally appropriate thing for her to be doing. (yes, really! LOL)

I wish I could share my girl with you in a way that would make it clear how captivating she is. I can’t even tell you how many people say that to me after meeting her. She is a special soul who feels things in a way most do not. I love her and want to slap her all at the same time on a regular basis right now. This parenting thing really is not for sissies.

Daughter #2 and daughter #3 are currently in the midst of a killer rehearsal schedule for The Sound of Music which opens in 2 weeks. So, on top of all the normal hoo-ha around our house is the added stress of show time and not getting enough sleep or homework done and crazy schedules reign! It is frustrating and fabulous all at the same time. I know I will miss this craziness when they are all grown and gone. It makes me sad sometimes. It also makes me happy to see them growing and becoming the wonderful young women they are turning into.

I’ve spent their lifetimes saying that I had them young enough so I could devote time to them and still have time to enjoy what comes after once they’re grown. Now the ‘what comes after’ is creeping up on me and I wonder what I will do when it’s here. I’ve always said that I would go back to school. College was not an option for me as a young person. It simply wasn’t done by young Jehovah’s Witnesses at that time.

We were supposed to graduate high school (or get a GED) and spend our time praising Jehovah and witnessing to everyone we could find. We were supposed to work jobs that would allow the most time possible to worship Jehovah and either stay single or marry someone who wanted to serve Jehovah like we did. We were supposed to forgo having children until the “New System” and spend all our time in worship and service to Jehovah. I wanted to go to college and yet was terrified by what would happen if I did. I got married instead. And have spent months writing about the results of that experience here in this very spot.

So, what to do, what to do. I just don’t know. A very dear friend wrote me an email recently telling me I would make an excellent therapist. Oy. I can’t imagine. There are many things I’ve tossed around in my head and have no way of knowing what will happen once the time for a decision is upon me. I trained as a medical assistant years ago and always thought I’d go to nursing school when the girls were grown. Now I don’t know. I’d like to work with women and children escaping from domestic violence but again, I don’t know. I worry about the triggers involved. I’ve also developed an interest in hospice over the past few years. I have learned so much from those who are dealing with grief. Those who’ve lost someone dear to them and those who are attempting to prepare for such a loss. I am intrigued by the lessons we can learn from those who know they are dying. Is that weird? 

There are so many things that interest me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pushing paper like I do now. I’m so grateful for this job I have. It’s given me the freedom to leave a bad marriage, live on my own and raise my daughters as a single mother. It’s given me the ability to make choices I’d never have been able to make all those years ago when I was a stay at home mommy with a violent husband. That said, it’s not rocket science and it can be dull in the extreme. I want more in my life. I just don’t know what that ‘more’ looks like yet.

I know I have time. Time to figure it out. Time to explore. It’s still scary. And exciting. And nerve wracking. And I’m glad I don’t have to decide now. I’m grateful I still have a few years to think things over and spend time with my daughters as they continue the adventure that is growing up.



3 responses to this post.

  1. Tech Week — the horror! 😉 Good wishes on the show — hope they break a leg!

    I believe you WOULD make a great therapist if that’s the route you choose, but then again, you’re my hero and I believe you’ll be a great anything you choose. It’s funny isn’t it, the way that they raise us even as we raise them… .


  2. Don’t you love when your kids begin making real and logical decisions? My dau came home from a university to a community college when she realized that she wasn’t coping well with dorm life. After a semester and the summer break, she returned and did well, living off campus with just one roomie. She was in state and not far away, but I was reassured that she would do OK after that. She did. For the most part!! 😀

    As for yourself … do what makes you happy. I’m guessing you’d be a good counselor. If you don’t want to do the whole undergrad-graduate routine,k look into programs for grief counseling or other degrees that need just the undergrad. But do what YOU want to do for YOU. It’s time to do what is best for you. 🙂


  3. Posted by scribbleandscribe on Friday, May 2, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    Oh man I am right there with you on this!
    You are a wonderful mom traci.


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