christians

HolyMoly! I’ve been browsing some other blogs tonight and I cannot believe how obnoxious some folks get. What is up with that anyway? They’re not happy enough polluting their own lives and worlds with ugly so they have to throw it out somewhere unknown and see who else they can upset and upend? What passes for Christian in this day and age absolutely amazes and astounds me. To all that I say WHATEVER.

I was raised in an organization that claimed (and still claims) to be the “one true faith” and “the only acceptable way to God”. I refuse to name the organization for the simple fact that I don’t believe in name calling and I feel that drawing negative attention towards them would be wrong as well. They are who they are and it is not for me to say whether they are right or wrong. What I am writing tonight is simply from my own view point as a former member of this organziation.

From the earliest time I can remember I was taught what the majority of Christians are taught, I think. We all spiritual beings and we came from heaven and would return to heaven when we were done here on earth. I was taught that Christ had died for us so that we might have the privilege and honor of returning from whence we came. That was all good and well until I was 5 and a half years old. Then my parents joined a different religious organization and my world was turned upside down from a spiritual standpoint (and not just the physical one that had been going on forever). I was then taught that no one went to heaven. I was left wondering what happened to my gramma because that’s where she was supposed to be. So, no one went to heaven. We were going to live forever but it would be here on earth. We had to practice Christianity to the max because if we didn’t and ended up doing something wrong, we were going to die and there would be no living forever ANYWHERE after that. We’d just be dead… as in doornail.

That is quite a load to put upon the shoulders of a child who has already spent her entire life afraid and hurting. My last bastion of relief and hope had been stolen from me because I couldn’t possibly be “good enough”. I mean, if I was good enough, why would my grampa et all do all those horrible and awful things to me? I had no hope…either here on earth or in heaven. What to do, what to do?

As I continued to grow up and learn more and more about the world I lived in and the one I was supposed to want, I became more and more certain there was no way I could win. I tried my damnedest but I was still just one imperfect person. I married a man I wasn’t sure I wanted to marry because I was told that I had already agreed to do it so I better stick with it. I left him several times only to return because that’s what a real “Christian wife” was supposed to do. It didn’t matter if he beat the livin’ daylights out of me or not. It made no difference that he was belittling and cruel. None of that mattered. I was told I’d be a better Christian if I just did better with my baby (who happened to be 6 months old at the time and was supposed to be making noise during the service) and that perhaps if I could just get it together with this baby of mine, my husband would do better too. I didn’t talk correctly because an occasional swear word came out of my mouth, I lived with my parents for part of the time and they were not Christian enough and I’d die if I didn’t get out of there soon and on and on and on it went…for years. When my now ex husband attempted suicide for the gazillionth time and I refused to let him come home, I was told that I would be an unChristian wife if I didn’t allow him back into my house. I refused. He’d hit my oldest daughter so hard the mark was still on her face two hours later when I arrived home and it was the last straw. I said “No” and all my Christian friends disappeared. Gone in a heartbeat. Why? Because I was not an acceptable Christian any longer. 28 years worth of friendships down the toilet because I was an unChristian wife.

I moved myself and my three daughters into an apartment, got a full time job, a divorce and swore I would never have anything to do with organized religion again. I didn’t believe in God for the longest time and, although now I feel there must be some kind of a higher power, I still feel that I will never be a part of any organized religion. I don’t know what God or that higher presence wants for me. I haven’t the foggiest idea why he/she would even care to be honest. My 2nd daughter is very deep into studying different religions and world beliefs. I will leave it to her to figure out. I only know that I will be kind to myself and others, raise my children to be self-sufficient, never intentionally do another soul harm and do my best to give back to my community and take care of my little piece of this earth. If that isn’t enough, well, it’s going to have to be enough because it is all I have. Will I live forever in heaven or on earth? How the heck do I know. The best I can do is the best I can do. Peace.