$$$

So my daughter is on Spring Break from college this week. She decided she wanted to take a trip to Vegas. Of all the people she knows, she decided she wanted to go to Vegas with her mommy! How weird and cool is that all at the same time? So here we are in freaking Las Vegas. It’s late, I’m tired, I’m worrying…as I am wont to do. What am I worrying about tonight, er, check that, it’s now very early in the morning…? I am worrying about money! Dammit. I’m here in Vegas on my daughter’s dime so that’s not the worry. The worry is money at home. The man of the house calls me and says he got turned down for a loan he applied for because his income to debt ratio is too high. I bet he’s never even heard of that before! We do not share finances. We never have. We never will I’m sure. It’s created ‘issues’ for us, ok, for me, for our entire marriage. But the fact remains, his finances are not my finances. Weird that but there ya go. Before we married, he had a business on the side along with his regular job. Since we married, he’s let that business go. Why you ask? I have no freaking idea. BUT, the kicker comes in that he now blames me for his lack of money. WTF??? I am raising three (ok, now it’s two officially but still) daughters. Alone. On my salary that is half what the man of the house’s is. I always need money. I am getting no child support because the guy who donated the sperm that helped make these 3 children is once again jobless. Do I need money? Hell Yes! My finances suck. I suck at figuring them out. Do I ask him for help? No I do not. Why? Because he is not helpful in this area. It doesn’t qualify as help to tell someone “I can do the math, I assume you can too.” I spend alot of time overdrawn. I’m lucky to have a financial institution that allows that but it’s a spendy proposition. I could use a second job. One problem with this idea is that I have some uh, let’s say ‘health’ issues and leave it at that. I have no problem with working. I am proud that I can do it. I just don’t know what the answers are to my issues right now. So much goes into it and surrounds it and it’s alot of emotional crap too I’m sure. So, I’m putting this out into the universe tonight and simply saying it outloud. I need some financial assistance or a financial windfall or something to help me take care of my girls and my responsibilities. I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to deal with it all. I could blame alot of things or people or whatever but I don’t work that way. I may not be responsible for what happened to me during my childhood and first marriage but I am certainly responsible for what happens to me now. And also to my children. I just don’t know what else to do. I am stumped. And to be truthful, I’m so tired. Tired of worrying alone and figuring and refiguring alone. It’s a lonely thing and I’m tired of being lonely. So, there it is. My most major failing, worry, problem, whatever you wanna call it. Out there for the world to see. Now, I’m going to bed. I am here in Vegas with my daughter and I’m going to try to have some fun. I’m still gobsmacked that my kid wanted to take her first grown up vacation with her mommy and she’s paying for it all too. Holy…