birthdays

Tomorrow is July 4th. Anyone who knows me knows that the 4th is the official start of my birthday week. When I was a little girl I thought the fireworks were to celebrate my birthday because my mom told me she went into labor after watching the 4th of July fireworks at the “Fort”. After arriving home from the event, my mom’s water broke and off they went to the hospital where she labored all the next day finally giving birth to me at 27 minutes after midnight on July 6th! So even now that I will be 40 (!), it makes total and complete sense to celebrate my birthday beginning TOMORROW! And even if it doesn’t make sense, it’s my day and I can make it last as long as I want right? Geez, when I was a little girl I remember shouting to anyone who’d listen “I can’t WAIT until I’m a grownup and can do whatever I want!” Talk about your rude awakenings! Somedays it’s still a complete bummer to discover I don’t get to do whatever I want, whenever I want to.

So, anyway, tomorrow is the momentous beginning of birthday number 40. That is an amazing number to my thinking. Forty YEARS! It sounds like alot but I don’t think it really is. I still feel like I did when I graduated high school. I still feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time and I still find myself looking over my shoulder for the adult in charge every now and then too! WTF is that all about?

I had a lovely friend years ago who was many, many years older than me. She used to always tell me when I was a teenager that if she could choose any age to go back to and stay there, she would choose 35 because she was old enough to know who she was and still young enough to do all the things she loved. My sweet friend died in 1991 but I’ve never forgotten those words of wisdom from her. I did look forward to 35. I am looking forward to 40.

I miss my dad and I wish he was here. I believe this will be my last birthday with my mom. Those things are heartbreaking. I can’t imagine my life without my parents. I read somewhere once that “no matter what your relationship is with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone.” I believed it when I read it but now that I’m living it…it’s much harder than I thought it would be. My dad and I didn’t even get along most of the time! I think that’s why this shocks me so much. I woke up yesterday thinking “It’s July, Dad will want to go to the Garlic Festival soon.” As soon as I was completely awake it hit me. My mom called me later yesterday and said “I keep waiting for Dad to get home from his trip. He’s been gone a long time.” Sad but true…sigh…

So, this birthday is precious. We are going to a big party tomorrow at the home of my parent’s best friends. Live bands, kegs all around and fireworks-tons of them. I will celebrate my birthday for this entire week and be grateful for what I have…my beautiful daughters, my home and yes, even my husband. I am truly a blessed woman. I’m sad…of that there can be no doubt. While I don’t particularly feel like embracing the sadness, I will do my best to find the good, the positive, the comfort in it all. I only hope I am up to the task.

Peace.