life

In the midst of heartbreak and sadness, between death and goodbyes, stress and trauma, anger and joy…new life. The circle of life continues everywhere around us. People we love begin their next great journey as we sadly mourn and joyfully remember them at the same time. Babies we never “knew” but loved with everything inside us never get to begin life’s journey on this earth and we mourn them with gutwrenching sobs and heartbreak over what might have been. Parents we love die before we’re ready and we wonder why. Terrorism threatens so much that we hold dear in our present world and the news is full of war and hate and protest and right wing “Christians” calling for assassinations. Sometimes in all of this turmoil it is hard to remember that life does go on, the circle does continue and good things are happening around us every day. We just have to look for them and notice them and celebrate them. This morning my sweet doggie, Jazzy, gave birth to six beautiful and healthy puppies! Two girls and four boys and we are so excited! To whatever higher power is out there…thanks for the reminder. Peace.

wtf?

How on earth have we as a society gotten to the point where our “religious leaders” can encourage assasination? WTF does Pat Robertson think he is doing? I have been privileged to blog with a few conservative christians recently and I will tell you…all of you…if you subscribe to Pat Robertson’s opinions and encourage assasinations you are NOT christian. Give me a freaking break! I cannot believe how upset I feel about this subject today. What is wrong with these people?! Where are the principles that Jesus taught? What ever happened to Love thy neighbor as thyself? or how about Thou shalt not kill? or any of a number of other loving and kind exhortions made by christ? Do they honestly believe they are going to inherit the kingdom of god with these attitudes? I am sickened by such behavior and absolutely do not understand how this can be condoned by “Christianity”. If this is christian…I want no part of it. Peace…and I mean real, loving, kind, concerned for fellow man peace…not Pat Robertson’s kind of peace. If there is a god, he/she is very angry today.

just stuff

I was gone this past weekend. Two of my daughters were with me. We were at a retreat for the Stepping Stones group we have attended since the girls stepmother committed suicide last summer. It was a special time…lots of difficult stuff however I know it was so helpful to my daughters…and me. I’m grateful we went. Saturday night after the memorial service we had, the girls and I went back to our room and I discovered 17 messages on my cell phone. I don’t believe I’ve ever had 17 messages anywhere in my life! I was certain something had happened to my mother although as I listened to the messages, I understood it was something entirely different. There were messages from my husband, from daughter #1, from my aunt, from my mother…I feel sick to my stomach just writing it all. As a bit of background information…my husband and daughter #1 have never gotten along. NEVER. She is the most difficult person I have ever known and he is the second most difficult person I’ve ever known…well, maybe my dad was more difficult but… Anyway, it seems he spent the day with his two children at the fair and came home to ask #1 if she’d do something with the dirty dishes. That is apparently all it took to begin the drama. She began screaming at him, cursing him up one side and down the other, screeching, I’m sure. He says she threatened him and he told her he was going to call the police. (the police have been called regarding this daughter at various other times in her life but not in the last several years) She freaked out and screamed louder. He packed up and left. She called my mother (oh gawd) and my mother showed up at my house (OH GAWD) and then it got really good. When I got all these messages two hours after the fact, I called home first and my mom answered the phone. She was pissed…at husband, not daughter. I talked to daughter then talked to husband, then my aunt, then again my mom. My mom says “If #1 says she didn’t do it, she didn’t do it!” I said “That is not necessarily true mom.” I reminded her that #1 has been known to lie, steal, curse and threaten. My lovely mother then replied “Well it’s no wonder she’s like she is, she doesn’t even have her mother behind her.” To say that set me off would be like saying Mt. Everest is a mole hill. By the time it was over I was screeching at my mother and sobbing hysterically and telling her to go home and leave my daughter alone. I can’t even begin to go into all the things that were said…suffice it to say it was horrible and lots of it was about my dad accompanied by my mom denying it all. Before I was finished, two of the counselors at the retreat were outside sitting with me and hugging me. It was horrible…absolutely…sigh… We made it home Sunday. My daughter went to hang out with a friend. Husband had spent the night at his son’s home. I talked to daughter…sent my mom home…called husband and he begins by telling me he’ll have help on Monday. I asked why Monday and he replied “The courthouse will be open and I’ll be getting a restraining order.” The long and short of it is that I said if my daughter can’t be here then I won’t be here and I resent you making me choose. He started backtracking after that and telling me how he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me but I’m making a conscious choice not to help my daughter and on and on and on. Finally I felt like I couldn’t take one more thing…hung up and called my therapist and left a message. I thought maybe if I just got it out, I’d be able to calm down and figure out what to do. She ended up calling me back FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE! I felt terrible for interrupting her vacation but she is the only sane person I could get ahold of so I just said thank you for calling. She said they need to be separated. I said how hard is that? She’s got less than a month before college. Can she stay with a friend? I don’t know. After we were done, I felt calmer but still had no answers. Not many people know about my daughters history. She began her journey through the mental health system at the young age of 6. She ran out of her classroom because someone had taken her baseball card screaming that she was going to kill herself and then ran off the school grounds. Thank god someone got to her. She has been through therapy, anger management, has taken every psychiatric drug known to man, had every blood test, brain scan etc available. She has been in the children’s mental health ward at a hospital here in the area for 10 days during 4th grade. They wanted to see her anxiety. We had found her curled up under the dining room table screaming that we were trying to starve her after we told her breakfast would be a bit late. Her behavior the past few years has been so greatly improved however there are still periodic episodes like this weekend. She is a genius. Her IQ measured 187 when she was 9 years old. She can’t stand things binding or rubbing on her and if her routine is interrupted she loses control. Music truly has been her salvation and I will honestly admit I am relieved she is going off to school at this point in time. She needs something more than I’ve ever been able to find for her and now she needs to be responsible for it herself. I pray she will figure it out. I called my mom yesterday and she refused to talk to me. What a mom eh? I did talk with her today and I hope she understands there isn’t enough time left to behave like an ass but only time will tell. She is convinced I need to leave my husband and I’ll admit I don’t know what will happen to my marriage but I will never choose another person over one of my children. I was abandoned too many times as a child to be able to make that choice. I simply could never do it. Life goes on but sometimes it bites. Peace.

love and cancer

I sent this picture to a friend of mine in New Jersey and she said I ought to find some cancer related organization to share it with as it’s a tribute to those who have cancer and the families who love them. When I opened the picture up again it made me think of Sarah and her artwork covered bald head! I thought my mom looked pretty bad when this picture was taken but since getting it a week or two ago and seeing my mom now…in this picture she looks absolutely healthy! She has gone downhill a lot in the 3 months since this was taken. It breaks my heart. She is still getting around but weaker every day. So anyway, what do you think? Peace.

been tagged

5 years ago today: I haven’t got a clue. Oh wait…my divorce was final at last about two weeks before now and I had a new boss and it was hotter than hades in town and I was stressed out I’m sure.

Today: Paid a bill. Worked. Took girlies and friends to the lake. Talked to my mom who is in Spokane in an air conditioned room with my aunt (her caregiver) waiting for my daughter to be done with a Jazz Band thingy. It was important to my mom to see where her favorite grandchild will be for college so there they are. Now I’m blogging and it’s been 100 degrees today! Holy buckets! That is TOO FREAKIN’ HOT!

Tomorrow: More of the same…work, lake, talking to mom…hopefully cooler than today but probably not much.

5 snacks I enjoy: Blueberry pie, mashed potatoes, cold pizza, mac & cheese…I guess I don’t have too many snack things I like…mostly just whatever is left over in the fridge.

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: I don’t know any bands… I do know every lyric Reba ever sang along with most of the lyrics to any song currently on country radio or popular on country radio within the last 35 years.

5 things I would do with $100,000: Pay off my house, my cars and be completely out of debt. Set up accounts with enough money in them to pay for my daughters to go to college & grad school. Take my family on an amazing vacation. Set up some kind of trust for my ex husband so my daughters will never worry about daddy’s financial standing/job anymore. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE.

5 bad habits I have: Not enough exercise. Eating too late at night. Don’t clean enough. Procrastinate. I know there are more I just can’t think of them right now. The heat has fried my brain!

5 things I like doing: Singing, playing games with my children, reading, sleeping and traveling.

5 things I would never wear: horizontal stripes, bikini, anything wool (I’m allergic!), my mother’s clothes and I don’t know what else.

5 TV shows I like: Survivor, Amazing Race…that’s it folks.

5 movies I like: The Sound of Music. Fried Green Tomatoes. (“Face it girls. I’m older and I have more insurance!”). American President. I don’t know the others…I don’t watch much tv I guess…or get to the movies much either!

5famous people: I assume this is famous people I’d like to meet…Reba, Wynonna, Johnny Carson (I know, I know…he died), Rosie. Only 4 but I can’t think of any others.

5 biggest joys at the moment: My daughters…#1, #2, #3…always. Music & Singing…my pregnant Jack Russell Terrier, Jazzy.

5 people to tag: Haven’t a clue…I think everyone I know has been tagged. If you are reading this and you feel like letting us get to know you…you are it!

sad

I don’t have much to say today. I just feel so incredibly sad. Sad about Sarah… how ironic (for lack of a better word) that her last post to her own blog was titled “Elvis Has Left The Building”. I will never forget her…it’s odd to me how certain people touch us for unexplainable reasons sometimes.

My daughters and I and my mom got our pictures taken a few months ago and I just got them the other day. Seeing how much my mom has gone downhill in these past few months just broke my heart. I’ve been crying for three days now. Experience tells me these tears will pass but I have to tell you…I feel like I will be heartbroken forever right now. Peace…to us all.