lordy, lordy

Now I’m 40. I stayed up just to try out the number. Hmmmmm…all I can say is “Wow!” The past day or two has been difficult. They involved my family and that should be enough of an explanation. Oy vey. My daughters. My husband. My mother. My aunts & uncles. My cousins. My cousin’s children. Too many. Too much. Next year I will not be celebrating the 4th or my birthday with anyone but my daughters and my husband if he’s still on the scene. I’m tired of the drama. I plan to live to 100 and I figure if I’ve got 60 more years on this planet, I am damn well going to live them like I believe they should be lived. So there…and if I could draw a picture of me sticking out my tongue right here in this box, I would do that too.

Seven years ago this week my ex husband tried suicide. 7-8-98. A day that will live in infamy. At least for me anyway. Two days after I turned 33. Since then, odd things happen during this week in July and I wonder if it’s not a complete and total karma thing. Whatever. I am reminded that this is MY life. It’s not a dress rehearsal and I need to do what feels best for me. If I could do a new year’s resolution and actually believe I’d stick with it, I would resolve to take better care of me and not worry so much about what others (husband, family) think. Do you know he came home today and said “What did you do all day?” Hells Bells…I wanted to smack him. It was like a flashback and it was not a good one. I took the flippin’ day off and I slept in and I read and I slept some more and if I want to parade around naked in my back yard singing Yankee Doodle Dandy I damn well will do what I want on my day off! My ex used to say “I don’t know what the problem is, you stay home all day and all you do is take care of the kids.” If you don’t think that caused some god awful fights… it still pisses me off only now I think it’s because I’m always worried I’m not doing enough and feel guilty about so much almost all the time. Again with the Oy vey.

Well, well, well…this has turned into a bit of a rant and I suppose I’d better finally shove off and go to bed. It is my birthday after all and I need my beauty sleep! ROFL Peace to all who enter here.